Chromosome gender analysis
Q: How do you tell a female chromosone from a male chromosone?
A: Pull off their genes
The Placebo Journal
The Placebo Journal - Keeping our finger on the prostate of Medicine
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without DR.REYAZ HASSAN PATNA [email protected]
Cake A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
Definitions you won't find in the dictionary!
*ADULT:* A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* BEAUTY PARLOR: *A place where women curl up and dye.
* CANNIBAL:* Someone who is fed up with people.
*CHICKENS:* The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
*COMMITTEE: *A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* DUST:* Mud with the juice squeezed out.
*EGOTIST:* Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
*GOSSIP:* A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
* HANDKERCHIEF:* Cold Storage.
* INFLATION:* Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* MOSQUITO:* An insect that makes you like flies better.
*RAISIN:* Grape with a sunburn.
*SECRET:* Something you tell to one person at a time.
*TOOTHACHE:* The pain that drives you to extraction.
*TOMORROW:* One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
*YAWN:* An honest opinion openly expressed.
* WRINKLES:* Something other people have. You have character lines.
book sales at medical store
'I saw your novel sold in medical stores." 'Is it?" 'Doctors prescribe that book for insomniacs"
(add with name)
Patient: 'Doctor, I see double image of everything"" Opthalmolojist: 'Come one after one Please"
When a patient demands that you "do everything" to diagnose their problem, offer the autopsy first.
The good life...
You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" " I am 78," the man said. " 78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." " Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off, and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. " What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
Behind Every Successful Man????
A woman walks into a pharmacy asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady - not even if he is cheating on you with another woman." The woman reaches into her pocket, and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. " So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Medical Record Blunders
§ The skin was moist and dry. § She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. § The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. § The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. § I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. § Patient was alert and unresponsive. § By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. § Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. § On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. § The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. § Discharge status: Alive but without permission.. § The patient refused an autopsy. § Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." " Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." " My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, " how did you come to know?"
Courage in the Dentist's Office
The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. " Yes?" replied the teacher. " Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
· oops! · has anyone seen my watch? · that was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. · damn! page 47 of the manual is missing! · ok, now take a picture from this angle. this is truly a freak of nature. · better save that. we'll need it for the autopsy. · come back with that! bad dog! · wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? · hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? · damn, there go the lights again... · Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. hell, the guy's got two of 'em. · everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! · could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. · I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. · well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. · what do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! · nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? · don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. · I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. · let's hurry, I don't want to miss "bay watch" · that laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. can I have some more of that? · of course I've performed this operation before, nurse! · fire! fire! everyone get out!
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead". The lady can't accept this and says, "no, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead." The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "that will be $340." The lady has a fit and asks, "why is it so much? after all the vet didn't do anything for the dog." "Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan!"
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."
The Age-old war
Two old friends meet reguarly at a local bar to drink and discuss life on Saturdays evenings.
Says one to the other, "You look kind of sad my friend! Whats wrong?"
Replied his friend, "It's the age-old war between men and women"
"Oh?" replied the first man, "who's winning?"
"I don't know" he replied - "I was taken prisoner."
Good For Money
As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.
"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?"
"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."
God first created Earth and rested in peace. He then created Men and rested. Then he created Woman. Since then neither God nor Men is resting.
Not a joke
Being asked by his patient for diet the visiting surgeon replied after a short while of thinking " You can take every thing except ladies finger ( Dhenras in Bengali ) " and walked smartly to the other ward . All the accompanying juniors were surprised with this diet advice . One of them gathered enough courage to ask the teacher about the science behind the prescription . The V S explained , " if you tell your patient to take a normal diet or just say to take every thing, the patient would never be satisfied . So , just be serious , and ask to take every thing except one ; that may be brinjal , potato or what ever food you can think at that very moment " .
10,000 WAYS TO SURVIVE
Find more such images at Http://www.4to40.com
John McPherson Jokes / Cartoons [ Click here to read more about him ]
For a test of his own fortitude the magician brought the biggest, strongest-looking man up on stage to assist him. He handed the man a rubber mallet and told him, "When I put my head down on this block, hit me as hard as you can. Don't worry, it won't effect me at all." The man says, "Okay."
The magician put his head down and said, "Go ahead."
Ten years later, the magician woke up in a hospital from a coma and yelled, "Ta-Da!"
Behind every successful doctor there is a frustrated wife...
Two Ophthalmologists don't see eye to eye
A pathologist is one ,who sits on its own stool and examines others'
World's first professional
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said 'It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman? 'No,' said the rabbi. 'It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.' 'Wait,' said the engineer. 'The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?' 'Yes, but who created the chaos?' asked the lawyer...
You are not dead
Recovering from a surgery, a patient was amused to find the curtains drawn. The doctor looking at the perplexed face of the patient said "there is a fire in the garden outside your window we didn't want you to wake up and think the surgery was a failure".
Am I a specialist?
A young ENT specialist was travelling with his wife and two year old child in the first class compartment heading for a happy vacation. The child which was playing with a one rupee coin suddenly swallowed it and started becoming blue and almost dying. Daddy ENT specialist became panicky and tried all possible methods to get the coin out but in vain. Child was getting worse. Suddenly a gentleman who was sitting in the opposite seat seeing the misery grabbed the child and coolly inverted the child by holding the feet and gave a big shake and lo! the coin came out and the child became pink and lively and the man pocketed the coin and gave back the child to the parents.The ENT man and his wife were immensely pleased and thanked the man profusely and said Gentleman, you must be a great ENT surgeon somewhere. Instantly, the man coolly replied : No, You are wrong, I come from the income tax department!!
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"
Never ending story of married people
Pursho aur bhero(sheeps) mae eak samanta dekhi gai ha! Agar sabse aage chalnewali bher(sheep) kuye mae gerati ha to piche chalnewali bhere(sheeps) usse sabak nahi lati aur sabhi kuye mae gerati hae! Easi tarha KUWARE Aadami shadi-shudha aadami ko rote-bilakhte pachtate dekane ke baad bhi shadi karne se baaj nahi aate! What a Vidambana!
Three Types of Dentists
Vidwano ka kahana ha ki duniya mae teen tahara ki aurate hoti ha. First jiske bina aap rahe nahi sakate, dusari jo aapke bina nahi rahe sakti aur tiseri jo aapke paas rahti hai. (Well, there are also three types of dentist) One who look into your mouth but don't know what to do with it. Second who would love to do something but too sacred to do anything and third who knows how to use it to thir advantage. And Ofcourse We Women love dentist who are willing to do something with it. love - happy millennium-
My Love for the Dentist
Husband - (Turning the pages of the newspaper) Aji Sunti Ho"Nagar Nigam ajkal Awara Pashuo ki dharh pakardh raha ha" Wife - "Tabhi to kahti hue, shyam ko jaldi ghar chale aaya karo"
A Dentist from India
The dentist from India tells you to open your mouth wide but they surely don't know what to do with it.
Successful in B.ED.
Once upon a time a gurl recd. a degree of B.ed thru courier when she was at her home. Her mom asked wat is this. She replied....Mom i achieved success in bed.....her mom faited on the spot. enjoy........................:)
gay song (in hindi)
aadmi hoon aadmi se pyar karta hoon bas aheen apradh my har baar karta hoon
1 2 3 4
In the bed almost every night husband was asking his wife about her affairs she was always keeping quiet Again he asked Hi;honey tell me about your past affairs she said quietly darling let us enjoy why you want to spol the mood. No please tell me ok,she started counting on her finger 1,2,3,4,5,you are sixth,7,8,9 Huband shouted Stop counting.
Santa in ICU
Santa Singh had been a sick man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called in Banta Singh, his best friend to stand with him. As Banta stood next to the bed, Santa's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Santa used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. Banta thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Santa had died. He said, "You know, Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube.
Dr Manish Munjal [email protected]
He is not dead. He is electroencephalographically challenged.
1.no previous history of suicides!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Doctor, Should I marry?
By all means marry. If you get a good a wife, you'll be happy. If you don't you will become a philosopher -- & that is a good thing for any man.